Wow. It's been a hectic weekend.
I found an apartment and as soon as I get approved (crossing my fingers) I will be planning to move out by the end of this month. It's a little scary but more exciting than anything. I can't wait to decorate my place, and have my very own kitchen where nobody can move things or make fun of me for stocking up on nothing but yogurt, sugar free jello, and 40 calorie bread. Mhmm.

Which reminds me. I found an amazing song today called "Skin and Bones" by Mariana's Trench. It's basically the story of my life these days. B-E-A-Utiful. Most def.

"Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see
Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
I know you can feel, all the things you steal
And you're taking, you're takin it"

"It only hurt a bit
I still feel like shit
And I think you won't be able to recognize me now"

"It's easier to quit
Harder to admit and
You're pushin me, you're fucking pushin me!"

The End.

It's currently 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. Hunger will do that to you.

I didn't eat much today, and I had a Hydroxycut drink (10 cals?) for dinner. Now, I feel extremely sick and can't sleep. Awesome.

Anyway, I decided I wanted to update, but not much has changed. I still work too much, my family still stresses me out, and I'm still struggling with some sort of eating problem. I refuse to refer to it as an "eating disorder" because I don't think I'm THAT bad. I mean, I've seen much worse on tv and whatnot.

Ahh.. I should lay down. I'm FREEZING. Maybe I'll write tomorrow when I'm able to think more clearly. My brain just needs some sleep.

I've been so stressed out lately that I don't even know what to do. My mom asks me for money every time I see her, my brother is failing his classes and I am constantly breaking up fights between him and my parents, my manager keeps asking me to work overtime, even though she's fully aware that I'm going to school full time, and thanks to my dumbass not studying, I failed my first test in Psychology on Monday. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness and I feel like I'm losing control, and I do NOT like losing control.

On top fo that, I had been really good about eating well lately, but that pretty much ended today when I threw up my dinner because I could not stand having french toast and potatoes in my stomach. I've become painfully aware of my body in the last couple days, and I'm realizing just how HUGE I really am. Fuck. I can't believe this is starting again. What's worse is that another bad habbit of mine resurfaced recently. One that I haven't resorted to in about five years. I was lying on my bed, thinking about everything that has gone wrong in the last few weeks, all of the people who have let me down, and more importantly, everything I've done to let myself down. I couldn't take it anymore, and I cut myself. I did it on my hip so nobody would see it. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion and anger and stress that I didn't know how to handle it, and everyone knows that physical pain is much easier to cope with than emotional pain, so I decided to cut so that I could get my mind off everything. It worked, too. The knife I used was extremely dull, so getting the skin to break took a lot of pressure and sort of a "sawing" type of motion. For a few moments, that was all that I had to think about. It was quite a rush, but I won't be doing that again.



At the moment, I kind of feel like curling up in a ball, going to sleep, and never waking up. I keep wishing I could just die in my sleep. I'm moving out at the end of October, and what's sad is that the main reason I'm exicted isn't because I'll be on my own, or that I'll be away from my parents - The reason I'm so excited is because I'll have my own kitchen, and nobody can say a thing when I live on lite yogurt and sugar free jello. I'll probably end up starving myself to death.

Well, I think that was enough morbidity for one post. I need to do some crunches and go to sleep. My stomach is killing me...

I have my first Intro to Business class tonight. I'm pretty excited. The whole stress of paying for school and books and maintaining good grades and working overtime at work and all of the other things going on right now is really starting to get to me. On top of that, I know I've gained weight and I want SO badly to go back to my old habits because I HATE being fat. I'm trying really hard to continue to stay healthy (well, I'm having a diet mountain dew for lunch today, but that's because I don't have a car to go home and forgot to bring something).

On a good note, my manager seems to favor me over the other girls in my department. :) Not that I am a big fan of favoritism, but it's nice to know that she recognizes what a hard worker I am. She always comes to me if she has questions or needs ideas on how to improve efficiency, and she just e-mailed me a few minutes ago letting me know that she wants me to train the girl who starts on the 14th of this month. Sure, I have a LOT of responsibilty here, and it can get a little stressful, but it's totally worth it. Afterall, I need to show off my incredible ability to take on several challenging and time-sensitive tasks in order to prove to everyone that I am management material. Being only 18 (19 in one week) years old, I have to work much harder to prove that I am more qualified than my colleagues, many of whom have been with the company for much longer than I have.

Altogether, I'm stressed out but I know I'm heading down a good path. I think things are finally coming together. I just have to keep working hard, and push myself as much as possible to make sure that I don't fail. :) Yeah, failure is not an option.

I don't understand myself sometimes, I really don't.

Earlier, I thought I looked pretty and decent and normal. Now, not even 12 hours later, I'm realizing that I'm getting fat. F. A. T. I have to weigh in at work in two days and I'm FREAKING OUT. I've obviously gained weight. A lot of weight. I don't even want to weigh myself because I don't want to know how much larger I've gotten. I know it's a lot. Probably ten or fifteen pounds. Maybe more? My god, I'm huge.

I think I'm having a panic attack. FUCK I don't want to be crazy again, but I don't want to be fat... Maybe I'll just take a bunch of pills and drive into a light pole. Yeah, that sounds like the best solution.

DAMNIT.

I looked in the mirror just now and I was almost startled by the image I saw looking back at me. I barely recognized myself. I've clearly gained a little bit of weight since I started eating again, but I don't necessarily look fat; just average. My pants are a little tighter than usual and my shirt fits me well. My body actually looks decent... but that isn't what really shocked me. When I looked at my face I noticed that my complection has cleared up for the most part, and my skin is a little tan from being out in the sun all weekend. I had also completely forgotten that I put on make-up this morning, so I was surprised to see how much my blue eyes stood out under the black liner and shiney eye shaddow. My cheeks are peachy and I look a bit like I'm glowing, probably also from the tan. I can see that my hair is getting longer too; it's almost past my shoulders when it's straightened. It looks smooth and healthy, and my bangs are brushed to the side and out of my eyes, for once...I actually think I look almost pretty. Weird.

On top of that - A co-worker of mine got her hair highlighted over the weekend. I told her how cute it looks and she responded, "Thanks Jessie! I was trying to look like you.. but that'll never happen." We both laughed and I told her she was funny... I wonder if she was being serious. Why would anyone want to look like me? On top of that, another co-worker of mine who I am very close with told me that my hair looks pretty today. She always tells me I'm "so skinny" as if she wishes she had my body. HA! I think that's absurd.

On another note, school starts today. I'm really excited. I love meeting new people, learning new things, and keeping myself busy. I've got Pscyhology tonight and if it's anything like my pschology class in high school, I know I'll enjoy it. :) What's even better is that Heidi (a girl who was in my Composition class last quarter) is in my class so I'll already know someone from the beginning. Hopefully I can continue to maintain my 4.0 GPA. I really want to do well for these two years at Metro in the hopes that I can receive some sort of transfer scholarship when I go to UNO for my bachelors.

I might write tonight after class depending on how tired I am. I have to go to bed early because I'll be going into work early tomorrow (and every day for the rest of the week). Oh boy!

Robert called me last night and asked me to come over and drink with him. I informed him that I had to work in the morning, but would certainly stop by since I hadn't made time for him in quite a while, and I had a little spare time once I got done running my errands. I went over there around 9:00 and when I walked into Robert's new apartment I was shocked to see Thomas sitting in a chair playing some racing game, holding Robert's daughter and yelling at the screen. [[Side note: Thomas is Robert's older brother.. the one who "forced himself" upon me when I was twelve.]] I resisted all urges to turn around and run out the door because I wanted to spend time with Robert, and I figured the past is the past, and all of that was over six years ago. I assured myself that Thomas had to be different. Afterall, he's in the armed services and engaged now (according to what Robert had previously told me). He's a changed man. Not the same 15-year-old scum bag he was back then. At least, that's what I told myself as I got the grand tour of the apartment and avoided eye-contact with him at all costs.
But the moment Robert told me he had to go pick up his girlfriend and leave me there with Thomas, my heart dropped into my stomach. "I'll be back in 15 minutes, I promise," he assured me as he grabbed his keys and headed for the door. I told him I should go, but he begged me not to. "Please Jess, I'll be back in 15. I swear!" I reluctantly agreed to stay. And it began.
Thomas was standing next to me when Robert walked out the door, so I turned away from him and took a seat on the inflatable chair on the floor. Thomas immediately made his way over to me and sat on my lap. I tried to ignore him as he asked me invasive questions about who I was texting and if I would go to the bedroom with him. When I asked him if he was engaged, he replied with a shrug. I tried to stay calm and talk to him, informing him that I don't sleep with just anyone, and I would certainly not sleep with him. And with that, he picked me up off the chair and carried me into Robert's room. I yelled for him to put me down, but of course he didn't. At least, not until he got to the bed, at which point he threw me down and quickly climbed on top of me; pinning me down and preventing me from moving. I started to panic, but again reminded myself to stay calm, "Robert will be home in 15 minutes," I told myself. He kept trying to kiss me, and I kept turning my head and telling him to stop. He kissed my neck. I shuddered. This was NOT okay with me. I tried to push him off but he is much stronger and heavier than I am, so I failed. He continued to try verbally convincing me to sleep with him, so I decided to go with a different tactic (because fighting him was clearly not working). "You're too easy for me," I informed him, very matter-of-factly. That actually got him to sit up for a second. He didn't say anything, so I told him again, "I like a challenge, and you're too easy." I'm sure he could tell I was shocked when he let go of my arms. At that moment, my phone rang. I told him it could be my mom (even though I knew it wasn't because my mom has her own ring tone, and that was not it). He got off me and ran to grab my phone and it ended up being Robert. The worst of it was over at this point, but I was still a bit shaken up. Thomas kept my phone in his pocket so I couldn't text or call anyone.

I stayed for about a half hour once Robert and his girlfriend got back, but I didn't go home. That's right, I went to Elijah's (yes I broke down that quickly). I just needed to be cheered up and knew he'd be able to do the trick. We watched Reefer Madness; some movie from the early 1900's that was in black and white and absolutely depressing but somehow slightly hysterical at the same time. We joked around as usual and talked and laughed and everything felt normal. I did tell him that I had spent a few hours with Thomas, but I didn't go into detail. I didn't want to talk about it. I did end up staying at Elijah's, but we went no further than kissing. He just held me and we made out for a while. He touches my face and kisses my forehead like he feels really strongly for me, but maybe that's just how he is. I have myself convinced that I'm "just another notch in his bedpost," but I enjoy spending time with him way too much to stop. I told him last night that I won't be having sex with him anymore. I couldn't realy tell if he took me seriously or not, but I was being serious. I won't do it. Hell, I might even wait until I'm married to do it again. I'd like to be able to count the number of people I've slept with on ONE hand, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway... This was a really long and very informative post, so I guess I should stop while I'm ahead. :) I need to get back to work anyway. I think it's been more than 15 minutes since I went on break...

My manager just came over here to tell myself and the other two girls in my department that we can work overtime this week and next week. SCORE! :) I will definitely be working 4-5 hours on Saturday, coming in early tomorrow and staying late tonight and tomorrow night. I need extra money right now. My mom e-mailed me a little bit ago and asked me to pick up some make-up for her at WalMart. When I told her "Sure, just leave the money on the table," she said "Oh. Well I don't have any cash on me". HA! Why am I not surprised? I got mad this morning too because my brother has been drinking MY diet soda because my parents won't be buying pop until next week and my brother drinks like 8 cans a day so of course he already drank all of theirs and is now working on mine. I will be yelling at him tonight when I get home. I don't appreciate people touching things that I buy without my permission. And it's not even that he just had ONE can... I'm missing about 6-7 cans that I did not drink and I just bought it two days ago! AGH!

Moving on... Tim asked me out last night. I said no. I'm sticking to my guns and not dating anyone for a long time, even if I start to like someone. Hell, I wouldn't say yes to Elijah at this point. I need to take time for myself and not worry about guys. :) Yay me!

I think I'm going to step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. It looks chilly, but that's okay because I'm a little warm at the moment. Ah, I love my life.

I decided yesterday that I am not going to call Elijah anymore. If he calls me, I'll hang out with him (maybe), but we'll be friends and nothing more. I don't want to be walked all over. I don't want to be used, and I can most certainly do better than some guy who refuses to commit to me. Sure, we have a great time together and I think we'd make a good couple, but if his heart's not in it then neither is mine. I'm actually quite proud of myself for making this decision (with the help of a few friends, of course) because I never used to be strong enough to walk away...but I am now. I've had my heart broken one too many times and I've come to realize that I can't trust anyone unless they've earned it, and I can't just assume that everyone has good intentions and compassion and respect. I have to realize that not everyone thinks like I do; not everyone cares about everybody else. It's sort of sad, but it's life, and I've finally learned my lesson.

On another note. I had a great night last night. :) I hung out with three of my good male friends, Kyle, Tim and Nic, as well as my brother and his friend. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much! Plus I really like how well my brother and I get along now. We used to fight ALL the time over every little thing, but now we actually spend time together and have real conversations. It's crazy!

I'm going to see "The Ugly Truth" with Tim tonight. The other day he asked me if I think we could ever be "something" again (we dated like five years ago for a couple of months, but we were young and immature) and I told him I won't say it's impossible, but I'm not doing the "relationship" thing for a LONG time. To be honest, I don't really know him that well anymore. It's been so long since we've spent much time together. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I need to focus on myself right now and not worry about guys so much. They're such a pain in the ass. :)

One other thing I feel I must mention because I cannot say it out loud. IF MY CO-WORKER STARTS ONE MORE SENTENCE WITH "I WAS LIKE" OR "IT'S LIKE" OR "SHE'S LIKE" FOLLOWED BY A STUPID 'GIGGLE' I SWEAR I AM GOING TO JUMP OVER THIS CUBICLE WALL, TACKLE HER TO THE FLOOR AND SHOVE A STAPLER IN HER MOUTH TO SHUT HER UP!
Ah, I feel much better. :D
Happy day!

I've been eating normal for a couple of weeks now. I'm pretty proud of myself. I haven't stepped on the scale because I know that'll trigger my need to lose weight. I'm still in the weight loss challenge at work, so I'm just eating healthy and exercising like NORMAL people. :) Yay me!

It's been a while since I've written in here... so I suppose I should update what's going on in my life.
For one thing, I've been spending A LOT of time with my friend, (er, FWB) Elijah. I really like him, but he doesn't want a relationship right now. I know he likes me too, and he doesn't mess around with any other girls, so I guess that's nice to know. Sort of. I wish I could figure him out. Hell, I wish I could figure men out in general. They make no sense to me. I mean, Elijah and I act like we're dating. We kiss, we hold hands, we joke around and have a great time together, we have a lot of common interests and similar beliefs/morals/values, he even puts his arm around me and kisses me when we're in front of his friends at parties together, so it's not like he's trying to hide me from anyone. I'm positive he isn't using me for sex or anything because he has told me that if I don't want to sleep with him, he's happy being my friend as long as he gets to see me. Hell, last night he asked me to stay the night knowing that I'm on my period. He just held me and even kissed me on the cheek and forhead a few times, and when I suddenly woke up from a nightmare and jolted, he quickly sat up and asked me if I was okay. He CLEARLY cares about me, so I just can't figure out why he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. Granted.. I guess I don't really want a relationship right now either because of my trust issues and not wanting to get close to anyone, but I have a feeling that ship has sailed, considering I'm already getting emotionally attached to him. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens. For right now I'm not in too much of a hurry to be with anyone considering everything I've been through in the last couple of years with relationships. It's probably for the best that I just stay single.

On another note.. I'm very upset with my mother. She keeps borrowing my money and it's getting EXTREMELY annoying. She borrowed $350 last week, she had me get the family groceries when I went to the store to get MY groceries (I don't eat their food because I know their short on cash), and today she asked if I can cover her half of the cell phone bill that was due yesterday (I'm going to pay it tonight). I honestly don't know how she expects me to do all of this... I mean, I'm putting myself through school, I have to buy books next week, AND I have to pay my $500 deductible to get my car fixed a week from today because the ass hole that hit my car doesn't have insurance. Does she think I grow money on a tree in my bedroom or what!? Very irritating.

There's probably a lot more to update, but my 15 minute break at work is over, and I have a lot to do. I'll have to write more tomorrow. :)

I bought some Hoodia SlimQuick yesterday (diet pills). I figured it's a better way to get energy than actually eating food.

I weighed in at 126.4 pounds this morning. That's my lowest weight. I haven't really lost in a couple of days since I've been eating healthy-ish. Although, I've also been throwing up after eating from time to time, so I guess I'm just completely incapable of eating like a normal human being. So I guess I'll starve. I'd rather do that than eat and purge.

On another note, I'm very angry with my parents right now, particularly my step dad. He went to the doctor yesterday and his blood pressure was 210/200. That is INSANELY high. I asked him if the doctor told him to change his diet or exercise more, he said "Nope, they just increased the dose on my BP Meds." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Is his doctor RETARDED?!?! The WORST part was 10 minutes later when we sat down to eat the pasta Rick cooked (I couldn't think of a good enough excuse not to eat with them), he started pouring lots of salt onto his pasta, along with pepper and cheese. I said, "You know, that salt is bad for your heart." His response: "I know." After everything his poor health as put us through, after all that HE has to put up with now as a result, he continues to knowingly make poor choices. It's sickening.

Whatever though. At least I can take control of my own body. My parents need to learn a little thing called WILL POWER. If I can keep myself from eating ANYTHING, they can certainly refrain from pooring salt on EVERYTHING, for crying out loud.

I'm actually eating well again today. I've had half a cup of kashi go lean crunch (100 cals) and 20 grapes (60 cals?). I also had a few bites of plain white popcorn (20 cals). For lunch I brought 5 slices of tofurkey (100 cals) and I plan on having some vegetable soup (60 cals) for dinner, and maybe even some vegetable crackers..maybe. I know that's only a total of about 340 calories... but at least I'm trying. They have cake in the break room, maybe I'll have a piece of that? No. Probably not. I don't even really like cake, anyway. I never have, not even before I was like this.

Man, I hate food. I want to go to the gym.

Other than that, I'm actually having a pretty good day! I have class tonight, which is always fun because Jon is in class with me. My lab partner is really cool too, I really enjoy talking to her and we sit next to each other and joke around in the front row, so it's pretty fun. Work isn't bad, although I do miss being able to text people. I got in trouble yesterday for texting so I should probably wait a few weeks before trying it again. }:]

Speaking of work... I'm at work right now, and should probably be doing something productive. :)

Today I started trying to eat healthy. :-\ It's kind of weird, you know, actually eating. I had about 1,000 calories today. I know that's only about half what I'm supposed to have, but it seems like so many. *Sigh*

I'm going shopping at Whole Foods tonight after class to buy some healthy foods. Maybe that will make me want to continue this whole eating thing. I don't want to starve anymore, and I don't want to hate myself or my body anymore. Maybe if I eat healthy and continue to exercise, I'll find some confidence. I'm holding my breath and crossing my fingers. I just want to be normal. I really REALLY want to be normal. I'm so sick of obsessing and worrying about the numbers. The number on the scale and the number of calories in the food I consume should not be able to ruin my day anymore. I don't want to be like that.

Hopefully I can change. It hasn't worked so far, so we'll see...

When I'm at work, I get up and go to the bathroom a lot. I wonder if my co-workers notice. It's not even that I have to go all the time, although sometimes I do considering how much water I drink. It's actually more about washing my hands. I love washing my hands, not because I'm a crazy clean-freak, but because I love the feeling of the warm water on my icy hands. I'm always so cold, especially in this office, and that warm water feels amazing.

I'm feeling especially hungry today and I'm not really sure why. I have cramps as well, which doesn't help. I did drink a Fuze (10 cals) this morning for breakfast, as well as lots of water. I guess that didn't fill me up. I brought a Sugar Free RedBull (10 cals) for lunch. Maybe the bubbles in that will do the trick. I can't wait to go to the gym after work today... Working out always makes me feel full. Or maybe it distracts me from the hunger? I dunno. I just know I really don't want to be at work today. But what else is new?

My "time of the month" started this morning. This means I won't be able to see an accurate weight for about 4 days because my body retains so much water during this. How annoying! Oh well, I guess maybe I could use a break from the scale..? Not that this will keep me from obsessively weighing myself 3 times a day, it will probably only stress me out because my weight will most likely be higher than normal. Agghhh. :(

Oh well. I think I'll limit to 500 calories or less today. So far I've had one muscle milk (100 cals). I'm not sure where I'll get the other 400, but I know I should probably eat a little something. Who knows? Maybe I won't.

I'm at work right now and today is a "food day" which means everyone (except me) brought in some sort of junky, shitty food for everyone to snack on all day. Gross. About 90 percent of my co-workers are at least overweight, if not obese.. is this food day thing really necessary? No. It's not.

Agh, I'm so annoyed today.

I ate yesterday. Not much, but I ate. And then, I purged. I got all of the food I had consumed out of me. I couldn't handle being full, because I wanted to be empty.
I then ate again at night after class. Again, not much, but I ate a little. I then purged again, because once more I realized that I wanted to be empty. I then did a bunch of crunches and lunges in my room and went to bed.

I laid in bed last night wondering if this is going too far. I mean, I just made myself throw up TWICE in one day, then worked out obsessively before going to bed. I know it's not healthy, but I think I could stop this madness if I really wanted to. I just... don't want to. I like watching the numbers on the scale go down. I like that my pants that were once too tight are now almost too big. I like that my hip bones poke out when I lay down and that I can see my ribs when I look in the mirror. I like the increasing space between my theighs and I like the rush I get from working out on an empty stomach. If I didn't want this, I could stop. Right? Of course I could. I just see no point in stopping now. I'm nowhere near my goal weight. But once I hit my goal, THEN I'll stop.

Skinny = Happy.

Anyway, I haven't eaten anything today, and I have no desire to at this point. Right after work I'm driving out to Weeping Water to visit my new boyfriend, Jon, so I won't have time to eat. I don't think Jon would try to make me eat, either. He's a health nut like I am and although he says I'm perfect and beautiful and skinny, I have a feeling he'll think I'm even better when I'm even smaller. Everyone will think so. I'm sure of it.

This is not an addiction. It's a game. And I can stop if I want. I just won't.

I weighed in at 127.6 pounds this morning. :( I guess I only gained a pound, which isn't TERRIBLE, but still not totally acceptable either. I'm not eating anything at all today. I might have a muscle milk (100 cals) before class and some Fuse (10-20 cals) but that's it. I'm so sick of being a fatass.

On another note, I'm at work right now and I definitely want to go home. Both of the girls in my department are getting their vacation days off, why can't I have a day off too? I hate being the only person who knows how to do my job, sometimes.

I have a huge Chemistry exam tonight that I didn't really have time to study for, so hopefully I do well. I haven't gotten anything below an A on a single quiz or exam in that class, and the fact that my job wouldn't give me a day off after my vacation to study is certainly not going to mess that up. I have to be the best, the smartest, and the smallest. I will get there. I will.

I had a really good weekend. There was lots of moving around and I ate healthy most of the weekend. Well, healthy by my standards anyway. I'm not sure what I weigh in at right now because I didn't have time to weigh in this morning, but I will find out tomorrow. I highly doubt I've lost, I actually feel like I've gained. :( I just have to eat less and work harder. I must be skinny. I must.

I realized tonight after my 45 minute workout that if I try to grab fat on my stomach, I literally can't. It doesn't make sense, because when I look in the mirror, I still see fat that needs to go. So why can't I physically grab it? Is there something wrong with my brain? Ha, that's a stupid question. I starve my own body into submission, of course there's something wrong with my brain. Oh well, my legs and fat ass are still huge, and I can definitely still grab fat on them, so I'm not completely losing my mind... Right?

Well, I'm going to bed early tonight so I can work out in the morning and shower before work. I'll update with my weight tomorrow morning if I have time.

<3

PS. I feel like crying my eyes out, then dying. I'm not entirely sure if I have a reason, it's just how I feel. Agh, I hate me.

I wanted to be down to 125 pounds by today, but I'm only down to 126.6. Oh well, that's still the lowest I've been since middle school, so I guess I can't really complain, right?

I'm going out of town today and will be gone for the whole weekend. I'm a little bit scared because there will be a lot of family meals while we're gone, and I really don't want to eat. :( I did eat half a cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch this morning (95 cals) and I brought a 100 calorie pack of chex mix to eat at work. I'm trying to get my body used to food before this weekend because I KNOW I'm going to have food shoved down my throat at some point. I won't have a scale with me all weekend so I won't get to weigh in again until Monday morning. I just really hope I don't gain... On the bright side, I will be swimming and walking around pretty much all weekend, so hopefully that will cancel out the extra calories I'm not used to consuming.

Anyway, I'll post when I get back on Monday. <3

Well, I didn't do so hot last night (ate way too much) but I was back on track today. The only thing I consumed with any calories was the salad I had for dinner which consisted of mostly lettuce, with a little bit of chopped up cucumber, cherry tomatoes & a tiny bit of light italian dressing probably totalling to about 75-100 calories.

I weighed in at 127.4 lb this morning, which was actually .4 up from yesterday, so I'm REALLY hoping to be below 127 tomorrow morning or I definitely won't hit my goal of 125 by Friday.

So, I'm starting to wonder if I really have any friends who would hang out with me if I wasn't single. When I really think about it, most of my friends are guys, and most of those guys have expressed interest in dating or hooking up with me. I wonder if they'd still be my friends if I had a boyfriend. It kind of sucks to have to wonder something like that... I hate how my brain works. There is one guy who I really like and would actually be okay with maybe trying a relatinoship with, but I'd be afraid to lose all of my friends. :(
Ha, who am I kidding, anyway? My trust issues ruin everything. I can't be in a relationship. After all, you can't love someone else until you love yourself, right?

Agh. I really hate myself.